I Know It Will Take Some Time, But This Might End Up Like It Should
by kate-dammit-run
Summary: Post 1.13 After Kurt's "meltdown", after Jane leaves Oscar on the roof. They find themselves reaching out for each other, as they always do. There's a little bit of Sarah, a little bit of Sawyer. And pancakes.
**Summary:** Post 1.13 After Kurt's "meltdown", after Jane leaves Oscar on the roof. They find themselves reaching out for each other, as they always do. There's a little bit of Sarah, and a little bit of Sawyer. And pancakes. Enjoy!

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 **I Know It Will Take Some Time, _But This Might End Up Like It Should_**

He feels his chest tighten and, suddenly, breathing becomes hard. Very hard. He pushes at the door on the foot of the stairs and rushes outside, onto the wet sidewalk and he tries to take a deep breath, to fill his tightening lungs with the cold evening air. In. Out. In. Out. He coaches himself and gradually he feels his chest relax, the drumming in his ears slow down from an erratic pulse to a humming beat.

The street is almost empty at this time of night and with no clear destination in mind, he just lets his feet carry him down the abandoned sidewalk, away from his apartment, away from Sarah and Sawyer. Away from another stifling responsibility, another potential failure to add to his list of people he will let down.

Eventually, his mind quiets down, catches up with him and stops replaying the events of the day, stops replaying the image of Jane in handcuffs being dragged away, stops replaying the hurt and terrified look on his sister's face as he broke down in front of her, and he can actually see the city around him.

It doesn't matter how long he has lived in this city, how consumed he gets with his job, the insanity of the every day… every once in a while, it catches up to him, makes him stop and look at it, reminds him of why he does what he does. Nights like these remind him of Allison for some reason, on long work days, when he would drown himself for days on a case, forgetting sometimes to even drink or eat, she would force him out and drag him into the streets, with no other purpose but to remind him of… everything else.

He'd left things a bit strange with her today, and he still owed her an apology for getting her stuck in the FBI office all day. He reaches into his pocket, searching for his phone, immediately realising he had left them back home, along with his keys and wallet, left on the kitchen counter in his rush to get out. So he shoves his now cold hands into his pockets and goes on walking, still no destination in mind, his feet seem to be walking on their own accord, having a plan of their own. It is not until he makes that final turn that he realises where he is. _Jane's house._

She has made it quite clear over the past week that… that this cannot happen, that seeing each other out of work was not something she wanted. And he cannot blame her, especially after the events of today, but still, he is tempted to walk up those steps and knock at the door. And since nothing makes sense, or has made sense over the past hour, he does just that. He taps gently at the door, takes in the dark interior and decides it's time to go back home.

She runs the moment her heels hit the ground. She just runs, heart racing, mind a whirlwind and she can only run. She hopes the cold air that invades her lungs, the painful shock it sends through her will make her forget everything, the events of the day, her meeting just now with Oscar. She thinks that if she runs hard enough, runs fast enough, the pain will overcome everything else.

And so she runs, blindly, unaware of where her legs are speeding to. And she doesn't care. At this time of night, as darkness takes over, there is no one around, only her, her thoughts, and the few others whose demon are too loud to let them stay indoors, too demanding to allow them sleep.

Every breath she takes strike like a blade through her chest, every time her heel hits the pavement, it's like a fiery rod shooting up her leg, and when she cannot take it anymore, when she stops because she knows that one more step and she will collapse, she leans back against the red brick wall and tries to catch her breath.

It's a minute, or two, before her breathing becomes steady, before her heart is not trying to blow out through her chest, and before her eyes aren't seeing a blur of nothingness. And that is when she realises where she has ended up, and what street she has brought herself to. She looks up and finds herself staring straight at Kurt's apartment building.

She knows she should just head back home, but her mind keeps replaying the events of the day, how close she had gotten to being exposed, her secrets revealed. And she also remembers his promise, how he's believed her, how he had her back, despite… Despite her betrayal. And at that moment, her choice is crystal clear.

Picking the lock on the building's front gate is almost too easy and she doesn't why why she does that instead of just ringing on the button that says WELLER. But she does and when she finds herself at his doorstep she realises she will have to knock eventually.

For some reason she'd almost forgotten that he shares an apartment with his sister, so when he blond woman opens the door, for a moment, Jane thinks she has the wrong apartment.

Sarah stands in shock for a good five minutes after Kurt leaves, after his sudden outburst. She knows, of course she knows, the pressures of his job, the stress he is under every single day. She also knows her brother, knows how he holds himself responsible for everything and everyone. She has been there, with him his whole life. He had always been the protective older brother, the instinct to take care of others engrained in his DNA. But after Taylor's disappearance, that brotherly instinct had become something more, an obsession, a problem. And as his younger sister, and later, the mother of his only nephew, she was the main object of that instinct. It was almost strangling the way he was, his need to protect, to watch over, but she knew where it came from, she knew the driving force behind it, the history that forged it. And she also knew the love that made it what it was. So she has never fought it, not really. She's struggled with him a bit over it, but not once did she despise him for it, or push him away.

She needs to call Ed, she knows as much. Kurt will never tell her what has been happening, what has gotten him so on edge. But she also knows that if Kurt had told Ed what she assumes he'd told him, then this wouldn't be a great time either. So she paces, busies herself with laundry, until she realises she has been folding and unfolding the same shirt over and over again. She tosses the shirt back i the basket and sighs, her breath coming out tired and ragged. She glances at her watch and notices that it's been over an hour since he left. She hears a soft knock at the door, and glancing at his keys on the counter, hopes that it's Kurt. But when she opens the door, it's not her brother. _It's Jane._

"Jane?" Sarah says, seeing the brunette standing across the threshold, looking… _tired_.

"Sarah… hi, I'm sorry…" Jane mumbles.

"Are you okay?" Sarah asks.

"Yeah, yeah… I'm sorry," Jane says, "I know it's late… Is Kurt home?"

"No, he's… he went for a walk," Sarah replies.

"Oh," Jane says, turning to leave, "ok, sorry to -"

"He should be back soon," Sarah says, "why don't you come in?"

"No, it's ok… it's late I should…" Jane trails off.

"Come on, Jane… looks like you could use a drink," Sarah offers with a smile, "I know I do."

Jane doesn't know if it's a wild guess, or if Kurt had mentioned it in front of Sarah, but the other woman goes straight to the Bourbon. They drink in silence, just the company of another person enough for both women. Jane is grateful that Sarah doesn't try to fill the quiet with small talk, and Sarah just wants someone else to wait with until Kurt comes back.

When he finally comes back, the bottle is half gone, and his knock is quiet, almost apologetic.

"Hi," Sarah whispers as she opens the door, the sight of her bother, his tall frame crouched, tired, is heartbreaking in front of her.

"Hey," he says, "Sarah, I'm-"

"We have company," she quickly interrupts him, moving aside to allow him to see over her shoulder.

"Ja-Jane?" Kurt says as the woman across the room fidgets in her seat.

"I'm going to bed," Sarah says, squeezing his arm gently and turning to Jane with a sweet smile.

Kurt walks in and closes the door slowly, watching Jane all the time as she shifts slightly in her seat. She catches his gaze for a moment, "do you want a…" she motions to the bottle of Bourbon and he shakes his head.

"Is everything ok?" he asks as he crosses the room, dropping his jacket back on the counter as he'd done hours earlier.

She nods, silently for a moment before she says, "there's something I need to tell you."

He has figured as much, ever since that morning after their kiss, and he's tried to give her time and space to reach out to him, hoping that she eventually would. And even though it is what he has been waiting for, his next words surprise both of them. "Ok," he says, "but not tonight."

She looks at him, an eyebrow raised in question.

"It's been a long day," he explains, "and a longer evening. We should talk, but let's do it tomorrow morning, ok?"

She thinks about it for a moment, hoping the courage she's mustered for her admission doesn't die out by tomorrow morning, but doesn't deny him his request. "Ok," she whispers, getting up from her seat and moving towards the door.

"Wait," he says as she walks past him, "I didn't mean you have to go."

She's not sure what he wants from her, why he'd want her to stay at this insanely late hour if he doesn't want to talk tonight. "Kurt?" she asks.

"It's late," he says, "just stay here."

Her eyes widen in shock at his offer, _sure he doesn't mean_ … "Kurt, I don't…"

"No, I mean… _dammit_ … Just… stay here. I'll take the couch you can sleep in my room," he fumbles with his explanation.

"Kurt…" she's as flustered by his request as he is, her voice trailing with more questions.

He closes his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Humor me, Jane. Just tonight. I'll just be able to sleep better knowing Sawyer's safe in his room, that Sarah's in her room, and that you're in there… _safe._ Just for tonight," he says, opening his eyes to meet hers he adds, "tomorrow you can go back to doing whatever it is you do, but just for tonight… _just for tonight_ , give me this. Please?"

It's almost five in the morning when the sound of light footsteps wake him up, and he is surprised he even slept. He opens his eyes slowly to see Sawyer standing at the foot of the couch, watching him closely.

"Hey, buddy, everything ok?" Kurt asks the little boy.

"Couldn't sleep," Sawyer admits.

Kurt sits up, moving to make space for Sawyer to join him. "Nightmares?" he asks but Sawyer shakes his head. "What is it then?"

Sawyer bites his lip and looks down, "I'm sorry, Uncle Kurt," he says in a shaky voice.

"Sorry about what?" Kurt asks him gently.

"I'm sorry I told those agents yesterday about you and Aunt Taylor. I know I promised I wouldn't tell anyone," the little boy says in between soft sobs.

Kurt wraps his arm around the boy's shoulder, wishing more than anything that Fischer wasn't dead so that he can go after him and kill him again.

"Hey, hey…" he whispers, nudging Sawyer to look up at him, "you did the right thing, ok? You don't have to apologise. You told the truth and that is always the right thing to do."

Sawyer nods, still unconvinced he adds, "did it get you in trouble?" he asks.

Kurt runs his hand over the boy's head, smoothing down the wild curls, "no, I'm not in trouble."

Sawyer nods again.

"Now, why don't you go wash your face and you and I make pancakes for breakfast. How does that sound?" Kurt says.

That draws a smile on Sawyer's face, he wipes his tears with the back of his hand and gets up, rushing towards the bathroom.

No one asks what Jane is doing at the breakfast table, but Kurt can feel Sarah's eyes on him the whole time, watching him, studying him and he knows there won't be escaping that conversation for long. But still he breathes a sigh of relief when she leaves to take Sawyer to school and head to work, leaving him and Jane alone.

"Hey, you don't have to do that," Kurt says when Jane gets up and start putting the dishes into the sink.

"No, it's ok," she says, but he stops her, taking a plate from her hands and placing it on the counter.

"You still want to talk?" he asks, and she appreciates that he is still giving her an out, keeping the door open even though she knows he wants this, wants the truth.

He leads them to the living room and she takes a seat on one end of the couch and he joins her on the other end. She's quiet for a long moment, outlining her thoughts and he waits for her to be ready. "I think I should leave the FBI," she finally says.

And it is the last thing he expects to hear. "What? Why?" he asks.

 _Because I am a mole. Because it is too dangerous. Because it's not safe being around me._

"Because I shouldn't be there," she says, "you guys don't even know who I am… what if I _am_ a mole?"

He shakes his head, "you're not a mole, Jane."

"You don't know that," she sighs, "you have no idea who I am. You have no idea what I've done!"

"And you do?" he asks.

At that, she remains silent, unable to lie anymore. Unable to say the truth either. She needs his help here.

"You do," he quickly realises, "you've found things out."

She looks down at her lap and nods.

"How? Are you remembering things?" he asks and she shakes her head.

"There's someone… someone who knew me before… he…" she says.

"How did you find him?" he asks.

"He found me… he's been watching me all along," she admits.

"Jane…"

"This is far more complicated than we could have ever imagined, Kurt," she says.

"Jane… what's going on?"

And so she tells him everything, everything she knows, from Oscar, to Carter, Mayfair's pen, the allegations of corruption in the FBI, Orion… _everything_.

And she waits. Waits for him to arrest her, to drag her back to the office in handcuffs. But he doesn't.

"Do you believe everything he's told you?" he finally asks.

"I don't know… I think so," she says.

" _Everything_?… That you can't trust me?" his voice almost breaks at that question, and she moves towards him then, closing the gap between them. She takes his hand in hers.

"No. I _trust_ you, Kurt. I always have," she says, "and I must have before because it's your name on my back."

"He's right, though," Kurt says, "about the FBI… there might not have been a Russian mole in our team, but there is corruption there."

"What are you saying?" she asks.

"I'm saying… I'm saying I don't know who trust with this," he admits. "But you cannot quit the FBI, Jane, not now. Especially not now. And you have to continue seeing Oscar," he says.

She pulls back, shaking her head, "what? No. I'm not doing that! Haven't you been listening? He wants me as a mole in the FBI, to steal information, to… I don't know what else, but it cannot be good. I am not putting anyone at risk. No," she argues.

"Jane, listen to me," he says, reaching for her hand again, "I'm not saying you have to be a mole, or follow through on these missions he gives you."

Kurt is quiet for moment, and then he says, "He is the best source we have at the moment, to figure out everything about you, about this organisation, about what the hell is going on. And no one at the FBI can know, and he definitely cannot know that you've told me all this. Jane, from now on it's going to have to be you and me only. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"You said that there's a reason why me name is on your back. Maybe this is it? Maybe that was the plan all along," he says, "do you think that could be it?"

She watches him for a moment, her mind replaying all the times he'd been there for her, trusted her and had her back. And she thinks that maybe he's right, maybe she doesn't have to fight this battle on her own, maybe Taylor had already picked her partner for her. So she nods, "You and me?"

"You and me," he repeats, "we're in this together, remember?"

"Why do you still trust me? After all this?" she asks.

He studies her, his eyes gazing deep into hers, and there's a hint of a smile on his lips. His hand hadn't let of of hers and so he twists his palm, intertwining his fingers through hers. "Because you came to me about this. Because you told me the truth," he says.

"What if I don't turn out to be who we think? What if the reason your name on my back isn't there because…" she still has her doubts and he doesn't blame her.

"Do you trust me, Jane?" he asks, and the answer is the easiest one, "of course," she breathes out almost immediately.

"Then trust me on this," he says, "even if who you were before had a different plan for you, the choices you make now, they are yours. She didn't plan your life for you, she doesn't control your destiny. You can still make choices, you can still choose your own path, ok?"

She smiles, nodding finally as his words build a confidence in her she hasn't felt before.

He lets go of her hand and stands up, "Come on, I'll drive you home," he says.

"Not to work?" she asks.

"Nah, you're a double agent now, you get a day off while you prep for your new job," he teases as he hands her her jacket. She puts it on, pulling the zipper up, she feels his hands on her shoulder, "Jane, you're going to be ok," he says, repeating the words from that night so many weeks ago. She smiles. She can't say she doesn't know what that feels like anymore, because when she leans in towards him, resting her head against his chest and feeling his arms wrap around her, she thinks she knows exactly what that might feel like.


End file.
